Religious Sexual Repression part 1: The Friendly Demon!
(TRIGGER WARNING: Before going any further, this is going to talk about religion and some trauma associated with it. If this is too much, you do NOT have to read this post, I know this can be a touchy subject for some, but no hate if you do not want to read this.)
To really dive deep into this territory, I am going to need a little extra help with this one! That's why I reached out to my friend Sam (Sie/Hir) to help me explain and explore this further! You see, me and Sam both grew up in the church, and got out at different points which really shaped us into the people we became. As far back as I can remember, I have pretty much been in private school my whole life. In the first grade, I remember being taught the Lords Prayer, while in the second grade I went to a catholic school and took religion classes, did communion and everything. In fact I remember when my dad took me to church both christian and catholic......I was bored in both of them lol! Like I think I enjoyed the catholic one more because we got juice from communion! 3rd-6th grade was when the church had the BIGGEST impact on me. Starting at the 3rd grade I met Sam, and we became great friends who were into the nerdy life! Like we were into pokemon, digimon, random cartoons because it was the style at the time! We both were taught that the church was very important, and that it was expected of us to worship God, and pray everyday. As a result we never questioned anything we accepted it all as fact with unwavering support. Plus we had Veggietales and lets be honest, they had some catchy songs.
As we got older our religious convictions got stronger but by the time we got to the 6th grade that's when things got a little....lets say different for us. I saw the movie Purple Rain, and was introduced to Prince for the first time; I remember asking my mom, was Prince a girl, and she told me no. I asked his he was gay, she told me no as well. I learned Prince was just...Prince who didn't follow societal norms when it came to presentation. Then, I saw a word in my English book called Androgyny and after reading its meaning I determined, that is what I want! I felt like a new person ready to be my authentic self!!! Unfortunately that's when the religion kicks! You see around that age, me and Sam were very impressionable and little did we know the influences that were had, would later shape us. The school we went to preached A LOT about homophobia and transphobia. They essentially told us the following "If you date the same gender.....stop it, get some help!" "And if you do things like question your gender identity, you go to hell when you die"!
Seriously, it felt like having both Michael Jordan and Captain Lou Albano watching over us. So, naturally we started repressing our feelings and never spoke or confronted them for as long as we were in that school. Also it did not help that we got bullied too! After 6th grade Sam went off to a public school, but I stayed within private school. Things for hir began to get better, I mean sie was essentially unlearning all the religious teaching discovering who sie was, it was at that moment, hir libido took off and sie started to really embrace hirself! Yet, even though sie was out of the church, the burns it placed on hir was still present. You see even if you leave the church to unlearn what you know is not instantaneous, it can take years. Especially if you were in it a long time.
Around the age of 19 Sam became sexually active, and embraced hir love of men and women. However, being able to explore this fully was difficult psychologically because even though sie was out of the church, the guilt was still their. I mean you can't blame hir; if you spent part of your formative years in a religious institution and were told anything that was not cisgender heterosexal was wrong and you will suffer from that, I am pretty sure you all would be the same. So, thanks to a falling out with an ex friend leading to hir ego death, sie began to study the occult! Baphomet, was a symbol that would really help Sam define who sie is, I mean historically Baphomet is symbolization of the equilibrium of opposites! They are both male and female, human and beast, but ultimately they are something different.
As time progressed, Sam began to properly unlearn all of that religious guilt and teaching and became a much happier person who can be who sie wants, and love hirself in the way that seems fit. There is still maybe a coulple things sie feels guilty about due to the church, but it is very minimal to the grand scheme of things. However, it is funny that someone who goes to church, was raised in the church turns out like this can be weird, but once you look at the information it makes sense. Sexual education is horrible in schools, and DO NOT get me started in the private sector! Telling people don't think about blank in stead of facing and confronting it in a positive way, is a going to set them up for failure in the long run. However by breaking away and doing research on your own, you can learn your ultimate truth and discover what feels right for you!
At the end of the day, ASK THE UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTION! Raise hell( in a positive way that does not harm people!), and be yourself. People might get mad, and people may clutch their pearls claiming that you're going to hell, but what's the point of enjoying life if you cannot be yourself?! Bottling this stuff up can lead to a mental breakdown of yourself which could lead into some self-destructive tendencies and habits. This is why it is important to discuss these issues and normalize these conversations, not stigmatize or attack someone; they may be different, but we should not hate what we fear/don't know. ESPECIALLY if it doesn't cause harm to anyone!
I thank Sam for sharing hir story and being open with hirself. I'm glad sie's my friend and despite all these years since we were 8, we have remained friends!
However, this is only part 1, meaning that there is a part 2 in the mix!
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