Spooked by Shame

    To this day I will never forgive Disney for canceling The Owl House!  This was one of the BEST cartoons they have ever produced, it was a good mixture of dark and funny; then again it is labeled as horror comedy so there's that!  But aside from that rant, there's one particular character I want to focus on, and that is Luz Noceda, the main character.  In episode 1, it is well established that Luz is...well different!  I mean she reinacts a scene from Romeo and Juliet with fake guts, stitches a bunch of animal parts to make a Griffin, and did a book report with live snakes that got loose in the school!  So yeah she is absolutely different!  But here's the kicker, her mom feels that she needs a reality check and sends her to a summer camp where the motto is "Think inside the box".  It is quite obvious that Luz is treated poorly for being herself.  I get that she might have went a little extreme on some things, but her mom sends her to the camp so she can be well....normal.

    Not gonna lie, being told "You need to be normal" bugs me a lot, mainly because it implies that being ourselves is not right and it makes people look at us with shame and disgust.  I feel like a lot of us were told that you cannot be "blank" and thus we have to feel bad for thinking that.  Like me discovering my gender identity......but that is a HUGE story I will tell at another point.  But, the point I am trying to make is that when people use shame to make others fall in line and to be something that makes their world view comfortable; we see people repress and become ultimately unhappy with themselves and passing that shame and negativity onto others.  It sucks that this stuff happens to us, but sometimes it's the people that are close to that can cause the most damage.

 

 

      

    This man you see right here is my father.  He helped raise me, made sure I had clothes and would defend me in an instant.  On October 26 of 2024, he died of lung cancer, and it was sad...I won't lie it was a very defining moment in my life, but a moment that actually helped me as a whole to realize who I am as a person.  Growing up, this man was on my ass about EVERYTHING!  Coming from a black family, it was important that I succeed and became successful in his eyes.  He would educate me on things that were historical and made sure I was overall intelligent academically.  However, socially is where things got a bit..well...difficult.  When he was growing up, he was a sports jock, always into many different sports and being the talk amongst people in terms of how he dresses himself.  These aspects were a HUGE part of who he was till the day he died; he did everything in his power to engrave those values into me by putting down things that I loved.

 

 

         I think that it is very obvious that I am deeply into some unique hobbies; then again you are reading the blog of a Non Binary Sex Coach (in training) linking sex, and gender identity with nerdy stuff!  But, growing up I was told that my interest in nerdy things are "nonsense" by my dad.  He was never supportive of my interests and desires of what I wanted to be; in fact if I am being very honest I feel that he wanted to live vicariously through me.  When he saw pictures of me doing nerdy things like cosplay, he would tell me that I needed to grow up and be mature.  He'd even assert the claim that no one would take me seriously if I openly express my nerdy interests.  Yet, the biggest thing with him is if I ever expressed any interest with doing things that are outside the traditional views of masculinity.  My dad was a boomer, as in born in 1947 Baby Boomer.  He always believed that men don't cry, or that you have to be tough and never show your feelings.  Now I bet you are wondering how he took to me being non binary, and that is an excellent question!

    He, never knew!  Personally, I am EXTREMELY happy he never knew, because this man was super homophobic and transphobic to an uncomfortable level!  He said many slurs, and would talk down about anyone who might be queer.  Hell, this man would have a crashout because someone said he was metrosexual; I repeat, someone said to him that he was a heterosexual man who cared about his appearance, and he lost it!  I wish I was making this stuff up, however, his mindset raising me caused me to repress a good portion of who I was, and even when I was an adult I felt as if I still had to restrain myself in order to make sure I did not bring shame upon him or my family.  As you can see, this was not healthy at all, because everyone deserves the right to express themselves and be who they want to be without shame; I mean as long as it is not hurting anyone, then who cares how a person fucking expresses themselves!?  This man's existence was a looming shadow over my life, I felt as if I had to watch myself at times and make sure he did not find out certain aspects about me.  But, here is the part that gets absolutely insane, he dies and things change.

    His death hit me hard, I was struggling to function for a bit.  I felt nothing but anger at his death because he left a plethora of things unfinished and kept a multitude of different secrets from me and my older brother.  But the weird part, was the fact that I was...dare I say happy that he was dead?  I mean I was sad that he died, but very happy that he was not suffering but also not around any more.  That looming presence I mentioned earlier was gone, I felt as if I can breathe, and see myself in ways that I never thought I could.  If it is one thing I have learned about being non binary, it is that the amount of support you have can make a huge difference!  My dad gave me zero support nor did he make me feel comfortable with the idea of coming out to him.  His death opened my eyes to really see the truth of myself as a whole, and as a result I proceeded to make some changes!
 

    

    You know, I never got a tattoo....like EVER in my whole life.  I always had in mind that my first tattoo would be something related to anime mixed with real life, like the Flamel symbol from Fullmetal Alchemist.  Even though I had those idea's for a long time, this is was not what I ultimately went with; instead something else spoke to me.  I wanted something that fully embraced the feminine side of me, as well as that linked my love of sex as a whole.  So, I sat with an artist and designed this, my succubus tattoo!  If you understand lore, a succubus is a female demon who seduces people and drains their energy through sex, but take a good look at the center of the tattoo, specifically the flower.  If you know chakra's, then you can easily recognize the Sacral Chakra!  This chakra is associated with emotions, creativity, sensuality, and pleasure; aka , the things that drive me as a human...or in this case a sex demon!  Ever since I got the tattoo, people have given it the following names:  Whore Tattoo, Reverse Tramp Stamp, Slut Mark, and Demon's Mark.  To some it may feel insulting to people, but to me, I wear them as badges of honor!  Like it feels absolutely natural to me...and hot...but natural overall!  Like, I can really begin to embrace myself further!  But, it does not stop there!

 

 

 

    To really embrace my feminine side further, some of my friends who are women have been hosting "Girls Night" and "Make-up Days" teaching me how to apply and use different make-up and really allowing me to talk and dive deeper into myself as a person.  I now own a make-up bag with several brushes different kinds of eye shadow, concealer, lipstick and more!  This has led me to even wearing it at work with zero shame!  This current look that you see was my friend helping me try drag makeup, and even made me think about performing drag.  Tell me, what do you think of the drag name Psy-Kiyo Path?

 

 

 

    Building off of the girls nights I had, one of my friends took me thrift shopping for clothes and OMG I FELL MADLY IN LOVE WITH SKIRTS!!!!!!  I am not exaggerating when I say SKIRTS ARE AMAZING!!!!!  Like for real, I feel SUPER comfortable wearing a skirt!!!!  Even as it gets cooler outside, I try to find find some way to still be warm and wear a skirt!  But you know what else goes with with a skirt?  Heels!  I don't have many but I have a few pairs of high heel boots that make me feel powerful...and hot!  Plus I learned, that I can run in heels!  Ironically on that same day, my co-workers learned I can run in heels too!  But, at one point, I eventually took everything I learned and obtained and put it together forming an outfit I can walk around and be cute!

 

 

    These pictures that you see are the culmination of me discovering my true self.  The last time I posted on here was 9 months ago, and a lot has happened.  Dealing with a president who hates your existence, and coping with the fact that a loved one is gone can be rough...but it is important to look at the good!  If my dad had not died, I feel that I would still be treating things like business as usual instead of really exploring things I never thought would be interesting to me!  Halloween is a spooky season, but the number 1 thing you cannot be spooked with is shame.  Shame has a tendency to loom over you and present you from seeing things that are the truth.  Many people will live their lives allowing shame to dictate how they live, and act.  I personally feel, this is the reason behind many peoples homophobia and transphobia, but that's an ENTIRELY different talking point.  The fact of the matter is that you need to let people stop you from being who you want to be and living how you want.  If I want to look like a butch lesbian who can whoop yo ass, then damn it I will.  All I know is that now it has pushed me to live my life at full throttle, non stop!